Reverse the Polarity of the Neutron Flow

Friday the 13th study

2008-03-26T13:53:00.000-07:00

"FRIDAY THE 13th" study

We've all done weird things in our lives, this was the weirdest. We talked about doing THIS for years though, so in some way I am proud of us for going through with it and no one giving up before the "project" was completed.As the day/evening/morning went on, our tallies became less and less accurate, our sentences became shorter and less lucid, so forgive us. But I think it's best to let our "studies" speak for themselves.

The Project:
What: Watching all Friday the 13th movies starring Jason in a row.
When: Nov. 10-Nov. 11
Personnel information:4 dudes (myself, Matt, Joe, and Harry)
19.5 beers per person
20 combined smoke breaks (we lost count after a while)
10 phone calls that went unanswered
8 pages of notes we kept
1 time(s) we had to rewind something in the movie
0 time(s) we left my house
0 time(s) we switched seats on the couches

Things we kept track of in the films:
82 kills that we were aware of
17 sets of bare female breasts
28 "boo" scare moments that don't end up in murders
15 times we assumed Jason was dead yet came back to life again
1.83 slow motion sequences per movie
1.4 flashbacks per movie1 serious but nonfatal maiming observed
2 victims who used the bathroom but didn't wipe
4 dead animals shown on screen
3 cars with engines that won't start
4 endings to movies that left us flabbergasted and confused* (Part VIII left us so confused we counted it twice)

People we recognized from other movies:
Kevin Bacon
"Last Dragon" Chick
George McFly
"Head of the Class" dude
Corey Feldman
Fackler from Police Academy
The love interest from "Walk Like a Man"
"Just One of the Guys" lizard guy
"Weird Science" chick
Horshack from "Welcome Back, Kotter!"
The Friend from "Ghost"
Bernie from "Weekend at Bernie's"
The mom from "Jaws 4"
The guy from "Return of the Living Dead 1 and 2"

Things we ordered from Uno's:
Pizza skins
chi-town tasting plater with ribs
Buffalo Chicken Quesadillas
3 Firecracker Chicken sandwiches with French fries on the side
Sliders with French fries
6 Pepsi's

QUOTABLES 1: THINGS WE SAID WATCHING THE MOVIES
-HARRY: There's something wrong with Jason, he's not right in the head.

-HARRY: Ooh, what did she hurt her pelvic?

-(referring to man on screen)
JOE: He didn't even wipe.
MATT: This was (filmed) before toilet paper.

-(about a character talking about his grandfatrher)
HARRY: That guy's got a hell of a family tree.

-JOE: People do some funny shit when they live in the woods.

-JOE: (in a female voicing mocking one of the women in the film) I know where I'm going: I'm going crazy!

-MATT: How long before rigor mortis sets in?

-JOE: I bet you if they laid out a little cold antipast, Jason wouldn't bother anyone.

-MARK: Is that Robert Goulet?

-(after noticing how many VW bugs appear in the series) HARRY: Who produced these movies – the Third Reich?

-(said about 7 different occassions)JOE: That guy's somebody.

-(Jason coming back to life without us realizing he had been "dead" to begin with)JOE: Yeah, when the hell did he fake die?

-HARRY: (about Jason) He must drink a lot of milk.

-HARRY: That sound is a cult classic.

-HARRY: He's gonna kill two for the price of one.Quotables 2: about the stupidity of what we were doing/side conversations

-(with Uno's delivery at the door waiting)
MARK: What do you want to give for the tip?
MATT: Cash.

-MATT: This is awesome, this is the greatest day of my life.

-HARRY: We're sitting here with baked goods and watching Friday the 13th.

-MATT: People had to wait years for this and we're doing it all in one night.

-(referring to our tally of bare breasts) JOE: We had a few titty upsets.

-(to Joe who is dozing off a bit) HARRY: You can't drink and sleep.

-(about his toaster oven) MARK: Now that shit is turbo.

-(while doing death tallies) MATT: YOU didn't even say "murder-death-kill."

-(getting his second wind after dozing off) JOE: Did I miss the Karate Kid Part 3 part 2?

-HARRY: Cheating is unsportsmanlike.

-JOE: It's time to keep it right.

-JOE: I wasn't sleeping with my eyes open.

-HARRY: This is really the perfect end to the perfect weekend.

-JOE: I don't know if I wanna do this annually.

Day 96

2007-03-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

"Photoblogging My Face Off" my first foray into photoblogging revisited

2007-03-15T10:43:00.000-07:00

originally posted July 3, 2006

Strange things happen at the office on the day before a big holiday. Ask anyone.

July 3. The office is a ghost town. Most of my co-workers are on vacation. So are most of the people I would normally be calling on the phone right now. Even my neighbor Dan's cube is empty and cold, cold and empty like the way it sounds when my girlfriend says "I'm not cheating on you honey."

This is Dan's cold and empty cubicle:I know what to do to entertain myself! I'll put my leg up on my desk. I have new pinstriped pants after all. I got them two seasons since they've been in style. Because I am a "smart shopper."This is my leg covered in pinstriped pant:Hey, wait a minute!

Bernie from the art department is here. He once walked into the office Christmas party and told the women "Don't talk to me ladies, I didn't take my Viagra today." Bernie is just the person for a little chit chat office time killing.

MARK: Hey Bernie! Over here buddy!

This is what it looked like when I saw Bernie from the art department:
I tell Bernie I'm bored. "Bored huh?" Next thing I know Bernie's in a long winded story which I kind of zone out on and just nod as if I am listening.

I don't really even know what Bernie is talking about. Until he says "So then why not have a beer?"This is what Bernie looked like when he was talking to me:MARK: A beer? At work? Hey, why not? Most people are on vacation anyway. What have I got to lose? Except maybe my job of course...This is what I looked like when I was curious about the advice:

LATER...

I limit myself having bought only one beer. I mean work is work so I want to drink, but let's not get out of hand either. At the bodega my choice of beer to buy was Bud Light or Amstel. I went Amstel. This is what the ice cold unopened beer looked like:Stupid idea 1 was getting the beer. Stupid idea 2 is getting an import beer without having a bottle opener.This is me trying to twist off a beer cap that doesn't twist off:Then my fearless editor shows up.
EDITOR: What the hell are you doing Mark?
MARK: Sorry, I figured no one else is really here, so I'd have one beer. It's only one beer, don't be mad... I...
EDITOR: I mean why are you trying to twist off a pop top?
MARK: Ohhh that... I don't have a bottle opener.
EDITOR: Wait! I have an idea!

This is my editor leaning over the edge of my desk:The editor, my boss, then takes the beer.
EDITOR: Give me that and let me show you how a pro does it. Watch this!

This is what he did after he took the bottle:EDITOR: Desks are not just for bobbleheads and writing on, Mark. You see this is why I am a managing editor and you are a lowly reporter writing stories about cats being stuck in a tree!

This is how he opened the bottle:At first I am excited. I am at work in an office... AND drinking a beer at the same time. THUMBS UP!

This is me giving a thumbs up: But even with one beer in my system my concentration becomes impaired. Clouded even. I find myself on the Patrick Swayze Fan Club website.

This is my computer while surfing the Swayze website:

To top it off, I later find a Luther Vandross TAPE, yes TAPE at my desk. How it got here I don't know. Maybe I did something I regretted after that beer.

This is the tape cover:
Strange things happen at the office on the day before a big holiday. Ask anyone.

Review of Billy Elliot: The Musical

2006-11-30T09:19:00.000-08:00

Real theater-goers don't do Broadway, they do off-Broadway. Recently, I decided I was going to declare myself a theater-goer. With that in mind, it was time to do the off-Broadway thing.
I consider myself to have a strong work ethic. If I'm going to do something, I am really going to give it my all. So in going off-Broadway, I went 4,000 miles off the strip, to London's west end to be exact. There, I saw Billy Elliot: the musical, based on the movie Billy Elliot which I have never seen. Some detractors say off-Broadway musicals and plays are avant garde stuff that is difficult to follow. I wouldn't say this was avant garde, though as an American, I found that the musical was certainly hard to follow.

The plot of this musical centers around a bunch of miners who are on strike during a political standoff in England in the 1980's. While they are on strike, money is tight and times are tough. Which leads the miners to dance and sing their hearts out on the streets.

I am not from England, so many of the dialogue references were lost on me. For example, the characters were often talking about a prime minister named Margaret Thatcher. Many Americans, such as myself would be sure to ask the obvious: Who is Margaret Thatcher and what is a prime minister? Well, I'll cut to the chase for you American readers and reveal the answer. Margaret Thatcher is a prime minister, which according to the musical is a giant puppet who hates the miners union and other unions too. I know this because a giant puppet appears on stage during the musical number "Merry Christmas, Maggie Thatcher." Apparently, this giant puppet a.k.a. prime minister is terrorizing the miners, which somehow or the other leads the miners to strike and be out of work for like a year. Also, due to the accents, I couldn't understand a lot of what the miners were saying, or singing for that matter. So for forgive me, but I don't really know how the puppet led to the miner strike, but either way it certainly wasn't an easy time for laborers during this puppet's reign of terror.

One of the miners has a son named Billy Elliot. Billy finds he is more interested in ballet than he is in doing more standard "manly" activities like taking what is called a "boxing class." Boxing class is when young children are taught to beat up other children. Early in the play Billy ditches boxing class and instead goes to dancing class. It turns out Billy is a better dancer than boxer. But because his father is a miner, he keeps his dancing activities to himself. There are several children who play the Billy character, but on the night I saw the show, it was the young Matthew Koon, who is of Asian decent. The miners are simple labor class dirt-under-the-fingernails types, which (I'm assuming) means that they don't find it odd that Billy's father and deceased mother are white Anglo-Saxon types while Billy is a young Asian child. This may have been thrown into the musical to account for why Billy is a terrible miner/boxer, but a wonderful ballet dancer, though I'm not sure. I would have to see if the other actors playing Billy are also Asian.

It takes some doing, but eventually Billy earns the support of his miner father who would rather Billy get into dance school than dance in the street with miners on strike. I won't ruin the ending, but I will say this, it isn't a mega-happy ending, which is very surprising to me. As an American I know all stories have happy endings. Maybe this is the avant garde part, Other than that, as I'm sure you know the moral is about giving it your all and doing what you want regardless of if it fits in with the "norm." One's spirit, one's passion cannot be held down, by prime ministers or unsupportive parents of a different ethnicity than you have. It was a good moral and good play, if only I could understand what these people were saying. At least Oasis Behind the Music had subtitles.

a survey

2006-11-30T08:49:00.000-08:00

65. Do you like to quote things?
"Yes."

NEUTRON FLOW CLASSICS (or reasonable facsimiles thereof): Mark wages a jihad on religion

2006-11-01T14:18:00.000-08:00

ORIGINALLY POSTED AT www.team13band.com on Dec. 9, 2001:

You know the closest I've come to sexual contact in the last six months is using a public bathroom and not putting toilet paper down on the seat.

So now we have to boost the economy again. Meanwhile, the Dow Jones is higher now than it was before the attacks. Buy gas. Or else what? Or else the terrorists win. Do Christmas shopping, help the economy. Or the terrorists win. I say we have sex.
MARK: Baby, we need to back to my place.
GIRL: Why?
MARK: If we don't have sex the terrorists win.

SUCK ON THIS
I know that statement sucked. Still does. That statement sucks. By the way, "suck" and "Sucks" are underused terms. They are heavily associated with "playground talk," but I have been trying to bring them into more common usage.

UNITED WE SUCK
I suck these days. Not just because of lack of sex. Sex sucks. This "new war" sucks. You suck. We all suck these days. This country is the United Kingdom of Suck these days. Look how bad the people suck who run this country. But if there's one thing we've learned in this time of crises, it's let's all suck together. And though Rumsfeld, Bush, Ashcroft, and all the other bloodhungry guys who run this country suck, we now realize, together as America, furthermore together as the free world, we are gonna suck together, and we're gonna be proud of how much we suck.

Bush administration, you have my 100% support (well not exactly, I don't vote or anything, and if I did disagree it wouldn't really make a difference would it?). Anyway, good luck in this new war. After it's done, we'll go on a hunting trip and eat rare steaks.

WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?
The last few months, I've heard many people saying cute Americana things like "what is the world coming to?" Great expression. It's easy to be nostalgic for the good old days of the cold war with the USSR, Vietnam, Shell shock, Son of Sam, small pox epidemics, the Holocaust, slavery, the Black Plague, 50% of mothers dying at child birth, being robbed on the outskirts of town for 2 shillings, being gutted in the streets because I disagreed with your religion, hangings, lynchings, the Salem witch hunts, marshall law, black civil liberties pissed on by the white man, the mass killing of American Indians, woman not allowed to vote, corrupt police working for gang war and organized crime domestic abuse socially acceptable. WHEW! It's enough to bring a tear to my eye when something bad happens. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?

Religious fanatics killing each other is nothing new. You know what I say. The Jews think they're the chosen race? The Muslims think they are the chosen race? I say stop killing each other, let's get the Jewish God and the Islam God in the ring together, duke it out and see who wins. Whoever's God wins gets "the promised land" then. And if we did things that way, we wouldn't be endangering the lives of the more intelligent people who don't blindly follow the potentially fatal ideals of archaic, sexist organized religion.

GOD SAYS
God would say stop killing people assholes. If he didn't, something would be wrong wouldn't it? I remember religious sayings like "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Actually that might be Jesus. But suicide bombings in the Gaza Strip. HEY, that reminds me. If material possessions are pointless and the way of the devil, how come these idiots have been fighting for the same material possession strip of land for 1000 years?

These people are talking about being the chosen race, divine missions, suicide, going to heaven and being met by virgins. This and that, this and that. God wants us to kill this and kill that. The deepest conversation I had today went like this:
GIRL: Someone told me you can tell time by looking at a squirrel's tail.
ME: ...Um... No, I can't.

And another thing: these religious fanatics, loons, crooks, Jesus junkies, Muslims, Jews. They're talking about ancient wars and prophecies. Well guess what? I don't believe in the concept of "the past." Fuck, I'm not even so sure I am 22 years old like they tell me. For all I know, anything prior to around 1982, which is the first time I remember anything is MADE UP. Yes, MADE UP. How the hell am I supposed to believe this historic stuff anyway. People on the moon!? Davy Crockett!? Yeah right. People couldn't have really done stupid things like that.

Stupid enough... These days people are stupid enough to hijack planes and crash them into other people's skyscrapers. What can you say but "idiots." Someone spent a lot of time making those buildings. And those planes. So don't crash one into the other, it isn't very Godly. Making a mess isn't Godly. Remember "cleanliness is next to Goldiness." Don't make a mess and you're closer to God. Got that assholes, stop blowing yourself and others up, and if you do blow yourself up leave others out of it and try not to make a mess.

If I ever found myself in a plane ready to crash into a 110-story building, I'd react differently. These guys tell me crash into the building and I go directly to heaven where I have all these virgin waiting to have sex with me. Now, I'd be doing all i could to find that passage in the Koran. I've read it, I don't remember that.

"Is this worth it?" I'd turn and ask Henry. What page is that passage about suicide bombings on again. But I am being inconsistent. It is a GREAT HONOR to die in jihad. (How come you never see the leaders of these religious fanatics receiving this GREAT HONOR? How come when the US was closing in on terrorist organizations after Sept 11, these leaders went into hiding or tried to plea bargain to keep their lives?)

HEAVEN SCENARIO
Let me clarify I am not singling out Muslims. or Jews or anyone. All religions have their blood baths (Christianity = Crusades, Spanish Inquisition). Even the U.S. was founded on the racist ideal of Manifest Destiny. When you get people to think what they're doing is for God, they really will do anything you say.

So here's the scenario. You crash the plane into the building. Now you're in heaven in front of God. Woops, no virgins. And hey where's Mohammed? Where's Moses? Nope. No Mohammed or Moses at God's right hand. who is? No Jesus around either. Then the voice from behind:

"We really got you with that whole jihad thing," he says and you find yourself face to face with God's righthand man David Koresh. Let's be honest here, the only difference between someone like Koresh and these other more-accepted religious types is time. Boy would my face be red. God doens't want you to kill. You know why, God is a giraffe in the physical form. We say he created humans in his image, i don't buy it. I think he is a giraffe. Giraffes don't kill for God. Neither should you.

It sucks. And it just goes back to you. I suck for having written This. You suck for having read it. This whole page sucks now. P.

Official Announcement

2006-09-05T06:22:00.000-07:00

I just realized something about myself:

I don't like live albums. It's kind of like watching a DVD of a Broadway play. You either are watching a play or a movie, you can't have it both ways. Just as you are either listening to an album or seeing a live show. These two experiences can in no way be combined.

Live albums are the O'douls of the music world. O'douls set out to make a beer for people who don't want booze in their brew (I need not even get into how pretentious these O'douls drinkers are). So it's like people want to drink beer but don't want the alcohol... It's a bad idea for bad human beings and the result is a bad-tasting mediocre beer. That's the essence of a live album, it's a live show for people too pretentious to do the live show experience.

I also don't like alternate versions, demo versions, special editions, special ADDitions, alternate movie endings, remixes, reimaginings. Metaphor time: Demoes. You have a good cup of coffee, so you decide since it was a good cuppa, you should get the coffee beans and stick them in your ears, then snort the sugar and inject the milk into your liver. These demoes or "rare versions" are the same idea as liking a sports team and so going to watch while the players do situps in the lockerroom. I am here to see the whole picture, to consume the finished product, to get the final, official, and certified results and box scores. And as for remixes, reimaginings, alternate endings, etc. It's like watching a bad weatherman. "Today is sunny... Or maybe it's partly cloudy... depending on your preference. Yesterday was 70 degrees and dry... though we are reimainging late day as 90 and humid."

Ok, that is all.

Another Edition of Mark: Dream Critic

2006-09-05T06:19:00.000-07:00

By Mark Intentionally

While cleaning out my closet recently, I found a dream diary I tried to keep for a few weeks while I was in college, then subsequently stopped when I realized how worthless it all was.

Whats the significance? Well, come on, isnt it obvious? This means its time for another edition of Mark: Dream Critic. For this week, I will review two time-honored classics from the diary as well as one new release.

NEW RELEASE: Goodbye, Mr. Toothy
RATING: *

PLOT: I cant stop my teeth from falling out.

REVIEW: Completely unoriginal dream, right up there with the clichéd showing up in a public place naked dream. Boring, unoriginal, unengaging, and frankly a bit unbelievable. The me character is also rather unconvincing especially as he becomes more frantic as the teeth continue to fall out. It is supposed to be suspenseful, but the acting is more Ace Ventura than Alfred Hitchcock. Also, the set design is terrible. I am in my house, but it is really not my house. This detail adds a fakeness to the entire proceedings. Overall, you will feel like youve dreamt this before and you wont be alone, but as unoriginal as it is, it is still worth a cheap scare.

CLASSIC: She Goes Lesbian
RATING: ***

PLOT: In She Goes Lesbian, I run into my ex-girlfriend who informs me she has since become lesbian. I wonder if I turned her to the other side, question my manhood and the legitimacy of our prior sex life. Surreal high jinks ensue.

REVIEW: True, the entire premise of this dream was done earlier in a very funny Seinfeld episode. It has also been used elsewhere in addition to Seinfeld (Woody Allens Manhattan for one is also a direct influence on the direction of this dream). Truth is, the plot worked much better in the 30-minute format of a sitcom as Seinfeld or as a peripheral plot as in "Manhattan." In this dream, the premise is stretched a bit thin, occupying most of the nights' REM sleep time. Still, the paranoid male psychosis of this story is always good for an empty uncomfortable laugh or two This dream isnt afraid to show its roots and influences and for its simplicity alone is enjoyable. This dream isnt trying to change the world, just to get a laugh out of you. Also, the portrayal of my ex-girlfriend was spot on, a great likeness, though sometimes more of an imitation than an actual acting job.

CLASSIC: Artique
REVIEW: (no stars)

PLOT: Im with this girl I was dating at the time. We are at an amusement park. On the rollercoaster, I am nearly thrown off the ride. When I get off the ride, I am yelling at the operator of the coaster. I am acting drunk. Turns out we both know this guy named Murphy. Once, we realize the connection, he is my friend all of a sudden and tells me I should go out to the bar with him and Murphy that night. Next thing I know I am with my roommate at the time. Some sketchy dudes on a bench start throwing coins at us, then are running after us with knives and weapons. My roommate and I are running, and now I am carrying a jacket and a pillow for some reason. My roommate is now on an ATV and I running alongside him. He reaches out for the jacket and pillow Im holding, but he can't grab them. He becomes frustrated, then drives off, leaving me.

REVIEW: Typically, dreams take this French arthouse film approach as here in the aptly named Artique. The cinematography on this is good, bleak, and often surreal. But, frankly, I couldnt follow this dream at all which is annoying. And the girl I am dating seems thrown in as a romantic subplot which, like every other aspect of this dream never goes anywhere.

You know what sucks...

2006-07-10T15:24:00.001-07:00

When you and your friends are playing pretend, and doing episodes of Quantum Leap and none of the guys ever let you be Al the hologram, like even for one episode. It's like come on spread the wealth guys...

David Blaine

2006-07-10T15:24:00.000-07:00

f David Blaine is a magician, then call me Merlin.

I'm not questioning Mr. Blaine's magical brand understand. I'm also not saying I am as good as he is, I only wish to say that I am a magician as well. Let me explain:

According to the book of magic according to Blaine, apparently a "magical feat" is not something that requires any "magic"or "illusion." Really, it seems the only prerequisite here is that the "trick" a magician performs has to be something that no one else wants to. For instance, Blaine submersed himself in water for a week. Is it magic? Sure, I guess. If magic is something that no one else would care to do.

Maybe it isn't just not wanting to do something, maybe it is also performing feats that no one else would never have the time to do. For example, living in a glass box above the Thames River is magic, I have no doubt about it. It's just magic that people with a day job would never be able to perform. Not saying it isn't magic, just pointing out I might be able to do it if I were unemployed say.

But honestly, there are many things I have done that I believe make me a magician along the lines of Blaine. Maybe I'm not AS GOOD, but I'm still pretty good. To name but a few:
1. I once stood in line at the DMV for four hours, without food, water, or human contact.
2. I once slept on the floor of my friend's closet with his unwashed rugby uniform hanging nearby. (Don't ask for an explanation, it was in college).
3. I once showered for about eight hours straight in a public shower and I didn't even wear flip flops (again, during college).
4. I once watched A Christmas Story five times in a row with commercials.... during TBS' A Christmas Story marathon. Meanwhile Uncle Lou was asleep snoring on the couch next to me.
5. I once used a public toilet without putting toilet paper down on the seat first.
6. I watched all three movies in the Evil Dead series back-to-back-to-back.
As I said these are but to name a few.

Oedipus Rex: A Comedy Classic

2006-07-10T15:23:00.000-07:00

"Oedipus" Wrecks 'Em!
By Mark Intentionally

Over 2,000 years after "Oedipus Rex" was first written and performed for fun-loving ancient Greek theatregoers and the jokes of the play are still just as fresh and zany as they were before Christ.

Is there any scene in theater before or since that tickles audiences' funny bones the same way the entrance of the blindfolded / bloody faced Oedipus does at the play's conclusion? I think not. There are no records of the original peformance of this classic, written by Sophocles, but one can imagine that when the character Jacosta hangs herself and Oedipus stabs his own eyes out that there were guffaws aplenty at this cutting edge comedy.

The situations here have inspired countless plotlines in comedies throughout history both on stage and more recently on screen. Who would argue that Keaton's stone face and Chaplin's tramp do not borrow heavily from Tiresias, the oracle, who - woops - just does his job and tells the future, but then almost gets killed by Crazy Oeddie? Come on, I mean, the plot twist is great (if you don't remember Oedipus, who is king and married to Jacosta turns out to be Jacosta's son... and Oedipus turns out to have murdered his own father years ago... HAHAHAHAHA!!!... HA! HA! HA! HA!). Neil Simon, Three's Company, and all the rest can learn a thing or two about comedic misunderstandings from this relic.
One thing is certain, what was funny then is certainly still funny now.

Study Questions on the movie Teen Wolf

2006-02-25T16:50:00.000-08:00

Study Questions on the movie Teen Wolf
By Mark Intentionally

Section 1 – True or False
Directions: Read each statement carefully. Then indicate if the statement is true or false.
1. The powers of a wolfman include growing claws, fangs, long hair, and being able to “car surf.”
2. Turning into a wolf not only makes you a better free throw shooter in basketball, but it allows you the ability to do Harlem Globetrotter style tricks mid game.
3. Being known as a wolfman does not attract the attention of any scientists interested in your biology, who maybe even want to dissect you or at least test you to do in depth studies.
3b. But it will attract the attention of the high school theater director to ask you to act in the spring play.
4. Popular chicks in high school don’t think Michael J. Fox is cute… unless he has pointy ears, hair all over his face and body, claws, and fangs.
5. Your lifelong friend Lewis is the weird one if he stops hanging out because he doesn’t think you being able to turn into a wolfman is a fun time.

Section 2 – Complete the sentence
Directions: Read each statement carefully. Then decide if either a or b better completes the statement.
1. If you are a werewolf, it is better to
a. use your powers to probably get a basketball scholarship, maybe someday make millions on your mysterious, yet still prevalent fame
b. not use them and instead work at a hardware store
2. Every time you turn into a wolf, your wolf hair is already groomed. The night of the dance, you should:
a. Just turn into a wolf whenever you want and the hair will be there
b. Use a blow dryer because hey a dance is a dance no matter what kind of powers you have
3. Your girlfriend cheats on you with a wolfman. This makes you angry and you call the wolfman a “freak.” You are:
a. right
b. a mean bully
4. If your best friend turns into a werewolf, you should
a. run
b. print up and sell ugly bright colored t-shirts with your friend’s ugly werewolf face on them
5. You are NOT letting your teammates down if you
a. play as a wolf and ensure them a championship win
b. play as yourself and are clearly overmatched, and even if you scrape by you almost cost everybody the game because you didn’t play up to your potential.

Section 3 – Essay
Read the scenario, then develop an essay based on the question. Cite examples from the movie to back your case.

1. Imagine as a young man, you have a run in with a fellow student who turns out to be a werewolf. For the rest of your life, you fear this man may, in typical werewolf fashion, rip you limb from limb. Years later you have this wolfman’s son attending the school where you happen to be principal. Explain in great detail why in the world you would be a dick to the son of this wolfman.

AL-QAIDA TAKES CREDIT FOR OUTBACK CHAIN E-MAIL

2006-01-11T12:45:00.000-08:00

by Mark Intentionally

QATAR - Arabic television network Al-Jazeera has broadcast the latest in a series of videotapes from al-Qaida in which the terrorist group have taken credit for terror acts around the globe, a source said Wed. The latest tape, received at Al-Jazeera’s network in Islamabad, Pakistan, allegedly depicts high-ranking al-Qaida leader Hassen ben-Sobba taking credit for an internet terror e-mail that has affected various people, including several citizens of the United States.

In the alleged video, ben-Sobba was translated by experts as saying “Not even your e-mail is safe.” The al-Qaida member then mentioned “The Outback steakhouse email,” saying “yep, that one was ours.” The e-mail in question has been analyzed by U.S. Intelligence experts who are said to have confirmed the e-mail’s validity and also released the identities of several Americans victimized by the e-mail. The e-mail goes as follows:

“Like Outback steakhouse? Well, if you forward this to 15 friends in the next 10 minutes you will receive an e-mail with a $50 gift certificate to Outback! I know, it sounds weird, but it REALLY works! This isn’t another stupid chain letter, you have to do it, you won’t believe it!”

Though starting promisingly enough, the e-mail takes a turn for the worse in its second and final paragraph:

“If you do not send this e-mail in 10 minutes, you not only won’t get the gift certificate, but you will also be struck with bad luck in your love life FOREVER!”

U.S. Intelligence has confirmed that several Americans received this terror e-mail and have been affected by it, including a high-ranking Congress member whose identity has not been revealed. According to sources, the Congressperson did not forward the e-mail to fifteen friends in the allotted time period, telling friends, “We will not be bullied or intimidated by al-Qaida or any other terrorist groups.” There is no word on the status of the mystery Congressperson’s love life.

Others affected by it have been more forthright with their experiences. Mary-Kay Ducommin, 14, said she received the e-mail and thinking it to be a hoax, did not forward it to friends. “Since then, the boy I liked has not called. It has been two whole days.”

Albert M. Clock of Idaho said, “I forwarded it to the correct amount of people in the correct amount of time, and I didn’t get an Outback gift certificate.” Clock’s experience was mirrored by several other victims who forwarded the e-mail but never received the promised gift certificate. U.S. Intelligence experts called the empty promise “typical” of terrorist groups.

TRUE STORY

2006-01-08T08:50:00.000-08:00

by Mark Intentionally

The other day I was in my car, getting off the 71st St. exit on the FDR. And this car pulls next to me and beeps at me at the light. I roll down the window.

WOMAN: Excuse me, do you know where the 59th St. Bridge is?

ME: Ummm yeah. 59th St.

WOMAN: Do you know how to get there?

ME: Make a left here. This is 71st. The streets go down in order. By number. You know just follow it down 70, 69, 68...

WOMAN: To 59?

ME: Exactly.

WOMAN: And the bridge?

ME: You'll see it. You might have to go over a couple blocks for the entrance to the bridge. But you can't miss it, like I said the numbers go down to 59. And if you aren't paying attention to the numbers, just look for a giant bridge.

WOMAN: Thanks so much.

ME: I can honestly say that it was no problem.

NEW YORK JETS FOOTBALL

2005-12-19T11:16:00.000-08:00

by Mark Intentionally

By far the funniest show on TV.

DVD'S AS CHRISTMAS GIFTS?: a review of new dvd releases for 2005 holiday season

2005-12-06T16:15:00.000-08:00

Shopping for a friend or relative can get pretty tricky in this DVD-age. Here are some reviews of some holiday DVD's so you know if they're the right fit for your intended gift-recipient. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

BATMAN BEGINS – Then for an hour and a half you're wishing for the sequel, Batman Ends.

24: SEASON FOUR – Four days later and this show still sucks.

FANTASTIC FOUR – Hey let's get a hot chick in the movie... then make her fucking invisible for half of it!

KING KONG – A classic. If classic means a steaming log of shit.

THE 40-YEAR OLD VIRGIN – Based on the life story of Carson Daly.

LOST SEASON 1 – I’d only buy this set if they give me back all the hours I “lost” watching this artsy crap.

HITCHHIKERS’ GUIDE TO THE GALAXY: Based on the book. Here’s the Cliff’s Notes: the galaxy sucks.

THE BROTHER GRIMM – An enchanting re-imagining of real life German folk tale writers the Brothers Grimm. An enchanting re-imagining of them as shitty dudes, that is

STAR WARS: EPISODE 3 – The biggest twist ending since they sunk the boat in “Titanic.” The annoying dude becomes Darth Vadar! In related news, Nixon IS a crook!
WAR OF THE WORLDS – Earth vs. Mars. No matter who wins, you'll lose when the shitty ending sneaks up on ya

THINGS TO KNOW VS. THINGS TO KNOW REALISTIC VERSION

2005-11-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

So the other day, I received one of these cute lil’ “look on the bright side of life” e-mails. Very nice, I thought. Make me feel like it’s all good out there. To coin a phrase: “That shit ain’t 9won4.” Or you might say it is 9-won’t-4. Ahem…

Anyway, I decided to do a realistic version by revising some of the things to “think about this.” But first, let’s review the original e-mail:

Think about this... You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
By unknown author(s)
1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about him or her. You will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Now for:

Think about this... You may not realize it, but it's 100% true. (9won4onized)
By Mark Intentionally a.k.a. The Voodude

1. At least 2 people in the world would kill you if they thought they wouldn’t get caught. Some might kill you anyway. They might be planning this now.
2. At least 15 people in the world want to see you beaten or maimed in some way.
3. People who SMILE at you probably have something bad to say behind your back.
4. The majority of people you consider your friend would easily sleep with your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband if they could pull it off.
5. Nothing you can possibly do right now will matter in 10,000 years. In fact in 100 years, everyone alive probably wont even remember you.
6. You mean the world to someone. That someone is a moron.
7. If not for you, America would be one step closer to solving unemployment.
8. You’re part of a species that broadcasts Brady Bunch reruns somewhere in this world 24 hours a day.
9. Someone you don’t even know exists wants you dead.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, remember this is evidence you suck just as bad as everybody says you do.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, just remember: you’re too insignificant for anyone to care what you turn your back on.
12. If you got back far enough in your family tree, you’re related to everyone. Including the people that you’ve had sex with. And including people that buy David Hasselhoff records.
13. Take the rude remarks to heart, it’s one of the only times you’ll hear people be honest with you.
14. Never tell anyone how you feel about them, because let’s face it they will eventually use it against you.
15. If you have a great friend, don’t loan them money and don’t think they wont kill you. Most murders are done by people who know the victim.

ALIENS AND STONEHENGE

2005-11-14T14:30:00.000-08:00

Ok, so maybe aliens did build stonehenge.

And maybe those aliens suck. Like gee, thanks aliens. A stack of shitty limestone. Wow, real superior craftmanship... Dicks.

READER MAIL: ABOUT STAR WARS

2005-11-07T13:29:00.000-08:00

A few months ago I posted a question here about Star Wars. I wasn't looking for an answer, but I got one anyone. You might say it was a rhetorical question, maybe it was supposed to be amusing in that "I watch too many movies" kind of way. Fine, I'm not that funny, I know. This is what it said:

In Star Wars, if Han Solo and Jabba the Hutt can understand what each other are saying then why don't they just speak the same friggin language?

Last Thursday, I received an irate mail from a reader known as JCNYHC:

“oh man this is so easy u idiot. And you call yourself a star wars fans. The answer to your question is the same as why apes can't speak english. Han Solo is fluent in Wookie. He can speak it but his pronunciation is so awful that he is not understandable. Try speaking a language characterized by growls, howls, and whimpers of all sorts of intricate pitches as a human. This is confirmed in the book ‘Rebel Dawn’ which takes place pre-episode 4”

Let’s take a moment to digest that…

…

Ok, maybe we need another moment.

…

Let’s address JC’s mail line for line, shall we?:

“oh man this is so easy u idiot. And you call yourself a star wars fans” – I love this line, especially as an opener, because it assumes that I was actually looking for an answer to my original “question.” And the difficulty of the question is judged as "easy" as if I were testing Mr. NYHC. Also, never do I claim to be a Star Wars fan or fans as JC says.

“The answer to your question is the same as why apes can't speak english. Han Solo is fluent in Wookie.” – This was my favorite part of the mail. I also love how the two disparate sentences are combined as if they have anything to do with each other.

“He can speak it but his pronunciation is so awful that he is not understandable. Try speaking a language characterized by growls, howls, and whimpers of all sorts of intricate pitches as a human.” – I kind of lost JC here.

So Han Solo can speak “Wookie” but won’t. I would try to speak a language characterized by growls, howls, and whimpers if one such did exist, but it doesn't. Wookie isn't a real language, JCNYHC.

“This is confirmed in the book ‘Rebel Dawn’ which takes place pre-episode 4” – I love how this book “Rebel Dawn” is used as a reference. And that’s only the start of why I love this conclusion. What exactly does this book “confirm” to us, I’d like to know. I am guessing this book tells us humans can’t speak Wookie with a proper pronunciation and that somehow this shows why apes can’t speak English? Or does it not show us any of this but just tells us. As far as I know apes not speaking English has very little to do with them not having a decent English accent.

Maybe that’s just me. I’ve never read “Rebel Dawn,” though.

Overall, I must say this is one of the best e-mails I have ever received. After all the sheer absurdity of the e-mail, the best part of it? All the talks about wookies and everything? I was asking about Jabba the Hutt? Even I know he isn't a wookie. And you call yourself a Star Wars fan.

NO SUCH THING AS FOOTBALL FANATICS

2005-10-31T13:27:00.000-08:00

OBLIGATORY SPORTS LAMENT
You don't know my offseason pain, so don't pretend to. Don't compare your dedication to the NFL to my dedication to MLB. Apples and oranges. Apples and oranges...

Football “fanatics” know as much about sports fandom as a Star Trek fan knows about getting a date. Yes, I said it and I’ll say it again. I’ll even go as far to say there is no such thing as a football fanatic. With sixteen games a season, how could there be? It’s about as much time dedication as a parttime job for crying out loud. Two hours a week? Not even a parttime job. Baseball fans are full time. Football fans are interns.

Being a football fan is not like being a baseball fanatic, where close to half of the days in the year are dedicated to watching your team. Pick a day, baseball is in the way of your plans.

“Go out to dinner tonight honey?”
“Not when the Yanks are on.”

“Jimmy’s graduation is today.”
“It ends at 8, good that means I can catch the end of the game.”

Football fanaticism is like having a wife, but only seeing her on weekends. Football fans are like alcoholics who only drink during lunar eclipses. They don’t do it enough for it to be a problem, and being a fan should be a problem. It is a problem. I know this. I have this problem. Believe me, fandom can cost a baseball fan a relationship. Our social lives revolve around offdays and doubleheaders. A football fan? An argument a season caused by their viewership is rare.

When does football get in the way of anything? Thanksgiving? HA! See what I mean, football is so convenient they even schedule it on the weekend or on your days off. And they’re careful to not schedule too many games at the same time so there isn't any big conflicts. And they make sure you get most games nationally. Not like a baseball fan, who travels out of broadcast range and is in withdrawal, black out restrictions do apply baby.

Let's simplify this discussion. Baseball is on every night. Every night! And on the weekends. During the summer too.
“Let’s go to the beach today.”
“Can’t.”
What does a football fan miss? Making a snowman? Doubt it. It's cold out there, let's face it you'd be indoors anyway. When does a football fans' girlfriend complain about having to watch football? Sunday? Ha! What are they missing? Church broadcast? Public Access? Syndication reruns? Baseball fans and their victim girlfriends (or boyfriends as it were) miss it all: awards shows, the news, the state of the union, the Tony Awards. You name it, you can miss it.

I know there is a football fan somewhere saying they understand my offseason pain. Sundays without football just aren’t the same, they'll say. Maybe their Sundays aren’t the same in their offseason. A baseball fan’s life isn’t the same when baseball is not on. That means their Sundays are depressing, as well as every other day during the offseason.

Like I said, true fanaticism is scary and something that football fans can never understand. It’s only a week since the World Series and I would probably clean the toilets at the Meadowlands for two weeks free if at the end I knew there would be a new Yankee season waiting for me. Well, I almost would… How could a football fan compare? By cleaning a toilet once a week for three months? I could only wish to be so lucky.

BORROWING PORN

2005-10-27T10:25:00.000-07:00

No one should borrow from someone else's porn collection.

And no one should loan from their own.

It's kind of like reading someone else's diary.

PLEASE! NO MORE...

2005-10-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

Please no more middle aged chicks playing Peter Pan in plays. It's just creepy, guys.

REMEMBERING BALLS MARIE

2005-09-28T08:08:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine in college had a fish. We'll call my friend "Joe." And we'll call his fish "Balls Marie." We'll call them that because that was their names. Balls Marie was a Japanese Fighting fish that Joe received as a gift from his girlfriend, a house warming gift for his dorm.

Now, you may know that fighting fish only needed a small puddle to survive in as this is similar to their natural environment. Still, Joe felt bad about giving Balls Marie such a small fish bowl, so he bought Balls Marie a gigantic tank to swim in. Being a fighting fish, though, Balls Marie just sat at the bottom of the tank and didn't really swim much. Then one day, Balls Marie was dead...

We thought it would serve the memory of Balls Marie well if we let her lifeless body dry out, then break her up and smoke her remains in a pipe. We began drying out Balls Marie's body, but then Joe's girlfriend came to visit and found out our plan. She threw away Balls Marie and we never got to smoke her.

THE END

I LOVE WEINER

2005-09-15T05:51:00.000-07:00

New York Democratic Mayor hopeful Anthony Weiner conceded the election yesterday. After failing to receive 40% of the primary vote, Weiner has now offered his support to candidate Fernando Ferrer. I, for one, am a bit disappointed. Weiner gives us all a unique opportunity to crack bad 2nd Grade-style jokes every single day. It's just great hearing reporters say his name with a straight face. It's also great seeing the name in print in the papers every day.

I'm sad to see my Weiner go. Who isn't? Come on! Admit it, you are sad to see this Weiner go too. A few weeks ago, Weiner said NYC Mayor Bloomberg did nothing for Jewish interest groups or to fight anti-Semitism. Weiner promised to remedy this as mayor. With another candidate, I would have probably just said "I'll believe it when I see it!" But not with Weiner. I know I am not the only one who was thinking "That is One Kosher Weiner." Yes, I'm fond of my Weiner.

Ho hum...

I really wish he had not conceded and instead looked for the Independent party nom. But, as the Democrats have been known to do lately, this "Weiner went soft" and conceded with hopes of not splitting the liberal vote with Ferrer. Weiner went soft! Wow, I love this. Yes, it's true: I love Weiner and I'm not afraid to admit it. I guess it's all for the better though. I was growing too attached to my Weiner.

Let me be the first to jump on this with some headlines before it is old news:
-NYC DEMOCRATS: "WE ARE PULLING OUT OUR WEINER"... candidate concedes nomination

-"WHAT A WEINER": Weiner concedes Democratic Nom

-WEINER GETS FRANK: Dem Candidate Offers Nomination Support

MORE:
-WEINER GETS COOKED AT THE POLLS

-WEINER JUST A DIRTY WATER DOG AT PRIMARIES

-WEINER DOESN'T PASS MUSTER(D). Ok, that was a bit too far fetched...

I honestly can't help my self from thinking of these scenarios. You might say I have a Weiner in my brain.

SON: I want to be mayor someday.
FATHER: OK, son, remember anything you put your mind to you canaccomplish. You are a Weiner remember that!

A Baby born into the family:
"How cute! That is one tiny Weiner!"

Best man toast at the Wedding:
"Though I am not part of the family, deep down I've always felt like a Weiner."

"Get that Weiner out of here!"

DAD SPEAKS AT THE FAMILY REUNION:
"Seeing all these Weiner's in one place is quite a sight."

Let me try to get inappropriate for a moment:

MAYOR BLOOMBERG on Bi-Partisanism:
"Though the Democrats are trying to shove this Weiner down your throat, remember that the New York Democrats have done nothing to improve this great city."

Well, that's it for now, I suppose. I'll spare you of any more of this nonsense... I wouldn't want to keep sticking my Weiner in your business.

Ok, no seriously I'm not gonna play with my Weiner anymore. No more Weiner for me, for now anyway. Good day.

EXISTENCE

2005-09-13T14:07:00.000-07:00

When mankind is extinct and some better species is ruling the planet, the one thing we will always have on them is Jalepeno Poppers.

MOVIES VS. MY LIFE

2005-08-16T12:46:00.000-07:00

Some Things that Happen in Movies All the Time but Have Never Happened to Me in "Real Life" Once

1. Me knocking on the front door of someone’s house or apartment while shouting their name at the same time.

2. That same person’s neighbor coming out onto the street or hallway to tell me that the person I’m looking for is not home, and sometimes even knowing where the person I’m looking for is.

3. Someone hanging up the phone on me and the phone immediately going to a dial tone.

4. Me getting into a cab and telling the driver to follow another car.

5. Waking up from a bad dream by sitting up quickly and yelling a “”HUH!” loudly, then sighing in relief that it was only a dream.

6. Me typing or writing something by hand while saying aloud what it is I’m typing or writing, and not only
that, but being able to type /write as fast as I can talk.

7. Having a dream of someone who is dead where both them and I are aware they are really dead and they usually have some advice about how to live my life now that they are gone.

8. Someone doing a dance at a party or club where everybody else starts to imitate the dance.

9. Me pretending I am a pizza man to get into someone’s office to see them.

10. Someone knocking me out with a swift open hand shot to the back of the head. Then being able to get one last task done before I lose consciousness, even if it's me saying "you!"

Some Things that Happen in “Real Life” All the Time but Never Happen in the Movies

1. Passing gas.

2. Nose picking.

3. Burping.

4. Two people having sex and not having an orgasm at the same time.

5. Cleaning up after sex.

6. Telemarketer phone calls.

7. Waiting on line at the DMV.

8. “What were we just saying?”

9. Calling somewhere and getting an automated response.

10. Chicks that have to shave anywhere on their bodies.

FOR THE RECORD

2005-08-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

I've never lost a death match yet.

PACMAN

2005-08-09T14:23:00.000-07:00

Ms. Pacman should be Pacwoman.

No you say? Why not? Because Pacman isn't a title like "Spiderman" for example, Pacman is a surname. Is that what you're trying to say? Because if Pacman is a surname, that means that Lou Pacman and Trisha Pacman (Ms. Pacman) are related. That means when they fall in love after level 2 of "Ms. Pacman" that they are falling in love with a relative. That also means when they get together and have son "Baby Pacman" that he is in-bred.

Which brings me to another observation about Pacman and friends. They are all just a circular yellow blob with a mouth basically. Ms. Pacman is wearing a bow on her head / body and lipstick. Baby Pacman / Jr. Pacman is wearing a beanie. So that means that Pacman himself has nothing on his head/body/lips, in other words Pacman is naked. Pacman is running from ghosts and eating pellets naked, while supporting an in bred family.

And yes, I'm just pissed off because I can't get more than 25,000 points in this game.

INTERVIEW WITH PAUL MARACHI: Proof Why Equality May Be a Bad Idea

2005-08-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

I set out yesterday on what I'll call a sociological experiment, though others might just call it a "spam mail campaign." The experiment comes down to Marxist ideals, that in a utopia, all of us in society are equal integral parts of a commune. So I decided to apply this idea to this blog by conducting an interview, but not with somebody who any readers might care about. Just an average American.

Let's face it: anybody you care about (and many you don't) have already been interviewed and interviewed again. Most of these people are celebrities, actors, musicians, successful businesspeople, politicians. Well, frankly, I've had enough interviews about famous people. So I set out to get "under the nails" with all the dirt and grime of Americana and interview my buddy Paul Marachi. He has never been interviewed except when applying for a job. Up until now, that is.

Now mind you, though I chose Paul to represent the everyman, he doesn't exactly view himself as an everyman. Paul works for Hertz Rental and is unaware that this is not a high profile glam job. He thinks his job is very interesting and important to others. He actually has referred to himself as "a big deal" and "pretty important." He has several times mentioned the number of MySpace friends as a means to prove he has a sparkling personality. Funny how just by offering him an equal opportunity interview, the power has already gone to his head.

What's the point, you ask? Well, isn't it obvious? If we are to all be equal what Paul says is just as important as Steven Spielberg or Lyphe or Martha Stewart. Isn't it? We shall see....

Let us begin:

ME: Tell me Paul, what makes you so interesting that people who have never heard of you would want to read an interview with you?

PAUL: Well, let me start off by saying that it is a pleasure to do an interview with you, just as I am sure it is a pleasure for you to be able to interview me. Let me just say that in no way do I condone terrorism, and to be honest with you, I am not a fan of it in any way whatsoever.

ME: You have said you consider yourself famous, or at least as famous as a guy who works for Hertz can be without having a commercial? Elaborate on your "popularity" please.

PAUL: Well, my whole life I knew I was special. There was just something about me that was "different" in a "better than everyone" sort of way. I have used my tremendous popularity to put others down. I think that people who are different from me should be made into an example of what not to be. In short I am an idol to millions because I can honestly see into the heart and souls of my fans, and what I see I generally do not like. I do not think anyone else is on my level in any way, shape or form.

ME: Tell me your daily routine and how it's working out for you?

PAUL: Well life is working out for me alright. I have just completed my latest assignment here at work, GE Process Solutions Contract A4. I have to say it is my best work to date. Other things on the horizon include SwissRe Contract Bump for 2005 annual Rate Program, and I have to say I did this one for me. It is more of an introspective contract. What I tend to do is look at the contract as a whole and work from there. I am sure everyone remembers Cartier Under 25 Provision A6 I did earlier this year. That was more for the fans, whereas SwissRe is going to be more about me.

ME: Tell me some of your hobbies and interests?

PAUL: Hobbies... I would not say I have any hobbies. A hobby implies you are not great at something, but you enjoy it. I prefer to be the best at everything, and let the enjoyment fall to the wayside.

ME: If you could be David Hasselhoff or Carrot Top who would you be?

PAUL: If I had to choose between the two, I would be Hasselhoff for obvious reasons.

ME: Enquiring minds DON'T want to know? Are you single?

PAUL: Currently Paul is pretty single. It has been about a year since his last relationship. The bottom line is that I have not met anyone good looking enough to be my social equal. I mean let's be honest, It really is all about how a girl looks. I don't have any time for personalities, or styles. A girl really needs to be good looking. As of right now I have not met anyone who is good enough.

Earlier in this post, I asked is Paul really any different from these people we call celebrities? The answer upon review is no... and yes. No he is not much different: he is egotistical, shallow, and talks about things he knows nothing about. He also is very different: he is not rich or famous.

"Therefore" in conclusion to my sociological experiment, I say that Paul has proven he is not equal to famous people. And thank God for that. Paul is "the missing link" which shows why humans in society aren't all equal. You might say Paul is living proof why equality might be a bad thing.

This has been real America. Mark Intentionally signing off. Until next time.

101 THINGS I COULD EASILY DO WITHOUT

2005-08-03T10:41:00.000-07:00

Note this is by no means an all-inclusive list, just off the top of my head today.

1. Commercials. As if it’s ok to interrupt what I’m watching to try to sell me stuff. How do people put up with this crap?

2. KISS.

3. Decaf.

4. People who get on escalators and stop walking. Elevators are for standing, escalators are for walking. That’s why escalators have steps instead of lazy boys.

5. Psychics. If you could really see the future, you’d have a more lucrative job… Like cleaning toilets for example.

6. Odoul’s.

7. Weathermen. Next to psychics, it’s the only job where you can consistently mess up and still have a job.

8. Psychics who call themselves “astrologists.”

9. Weathermen who call themselves “meteorologists.”

10. Secretaries calling themselves “administrative assistants.”

11. Springer’s Final Thought.

12. People who see David Lynch movies and pretend to understand them.

13. The guy at the entrance of the Gap who tells me “welcome to the Gap” as if I don’t know he’s just there to make sure I’m not stealing anything.

14. Watches that aren’t digital. As if I have time to figure out roman numerals and three ticking hands.

15. Bottle caps that you need a bottle opener for. Did they ignore the “scientific advancement” to twist-off’s or something?

16. Never being able to use “The Force.”

17. Star Wars sequels after Return of the Jedi.

18. Any new scenes added to the old Star Wars movies for the special editions.

19. Men’s sandals.

20. Men’s Capri pants.

21. Feel good movies of the year.

22. Margarine.

23. People born on February 29th.

24. People who bring umbrellas to watch a ball game. If they can play the game, then you don’t need an umbrella.

25. Sticker machines. If you put the 50 cents in, you never get the sticker you actually want.

26. The Three Stooges being dead and not coming back to life.

27. Toll booths.

28. People who say “libary” instead of “library.”

29. People who want to “axe” me a question.

30. People who make fun of the “Macarena” or some other popular song from a few years ago that you know they bought a copy of when it was popular.

31. NASCAR.

32. Peter Gammons pretending that he is not a completely biased Red Sox fan.

33. Oliver Stone. Hey Ollie, I have a conspiracy theory about how studios can get stupid people into a movie theatre… answer: your movies.

34. People who hang out on the street where they film the Today show.

35. People who hang out on the street where they film the Today show and bring signs with them.

36. People at ballgames with signs.

37. …Especially the ones with the signs that shamelessly beg to be on TV like the ones that mention the network the game is being broadcast on. Example “Stay tuned for Sports Center.”

38. The directors of the ballgame that actually give the morons with the network plug signs air time.

39. The directors who put on celebrities in the audience of a ballgame. These celebrities coincidentally almost always have a movie coming out around the same time.

40. Tough guys, probably intolerant any other day of the year, who dress up in girl’s clothing on Halloween as if it’s funny or original.

41. All the people who suddenly became political analysts after watching four hours of CNN on 9/11/2001.

42. pEoPlE WhO tYpE LiKe tHiS.

43. The media telling me how obsessed “we” are with J. Lo.

44. Symphonies as cell phone rings. As if Beethoven shat in a bucket for three weeks so you could caller ID your buddy Howie.

45. People who don’t order hard liquor but still get “shots” In a bar. Shots are to be made of hard liquor served puke warm. It is not cranberry fruity delight happiness. You already ruined the image of the martini with your apple and chocolate flavors, now leave the shots to the real alcoholics. Here’s a tip: if you don’t have to fight cringing after drinking it, it’s not a shot.

46. People who think that mothers of missing children send e-mail forwards to try to locate their kids.

47. People who think Bill Gates wants to give me free stuff and is sending an e-mail forward to let me know.

48. People who think if I don’t forward their trash e-mails to fifteen other people I will have bad luck or a bad haircut for 20 years.

49. Motion Picture Association of America ratings system. Violence: Rated PG or at worst Rated PG-13. Titties: Rated R.

50. Hideo Nomo’s pitching windup.

51. The Oscars. Ben Affleck is an Oscar winner. Orson Welles and Alfred Hitchcock are not.

52. People who eat rice or cake with a spoon.

53. People who drink anything besides a milk shake or a Slurpee with a straw.

54. Voicemail systems that not only have a personal message but then a woman telling you how to leave a message.

55. Voicemail messages that say “You have reached Roy.” No, I haven’t reached you Roy-boy or else I wouldn’t have to leave you a message.

56. Chicks who ask you if they look fat in a particular outfit.

57. People who ask cigarette smokers if they have an “extra” cigarette. “Yeah, they gave me one too many of these things, asshole.”

58. Starbucks and anyone in one.

59. “Reality TV” shows.

60. “Celebreality” TV shows.

61. Entertainment magazines who constantly insult reality TV then dedicate pages of print to it every week.

62. Dave Matthews’ lyrics.

63. LOL.

64. The DMV.

65. Ben Affleck’s love life.

66. Rappers with acting careers.

67. Any movie trying to remake the “Honeymooners.”

68. Prescription drug disclaimers, especially when they are read by an announcer very quickly.

69. Dolphin-safe tuna. What are you saying it’s ok to kill mosquitoes and can tuna for consumption, but I’m supposed to care about dolphins?

70. Any Batman movie not starring Jack Nicholson as the Joker.

71. Speaking of Batman, the character of Robin.

72. Any movie that Eric Roberts was in. Ever.

73. Bosses that say things like “FYI” as if it isn’t annoying enough in type.

74. Pausing for station identification.

75. Cafeteria pasta sauce.

76. Unibrows.

77. DVD special editions that come out after you already bought the old edition.

78. Fox News Network.

79. Those public restrooms with one trough instead of many urinals.

80. Van Halen without David Lee Roth.

81. David Lee Roth without Van Halen.

82. Rubick’s Cube

83. The term “metrosexual.”

84. “I could care less.” You mean you couldn’t care less.

85. Ever having to plunge a toilet.

86. Or thread a needle.

87. Or use a Port-a-John.

88. Tie dye.

89. Sweet and Low.

90. Any book with a title that starts with the words “Chicken Soup for…”

91. Anybody’s whose first name has been shortened to an initial. Examples: L. Ron Hubbard, F. Scott Fitzgerald.

92. People who ask you “How we doing?” There is no we, asshole. “We’re” ok right now, but
“we’ll” be much better after “we” drown you in a bowl of clam chowder.

93. Speaking of chowder: Manhattan Clam Chowder (it’s not racist to think the white clam chowder is superior, is it?)

94. Girls who moved into NYC from Westchester or Connecticut who think they are the cast of “Sex and the City.”

95. TV evangelists. Don’t worry, God hates them too.

96. Low carb beer. Quick tip for anyone who wants to drop carbs: you shouldn’t drink anything made from wheat and barley.

97. My printer having two ink cartridges which never run out at the same time.

98. The second Darrin Stephens. In a show about witchcraft they could’ve at least worked the actor change into the story.

99. Another version of the Peter Pan story especially when Peter Pan is played by a 30 + year old chick.

100. Any rock song over 4 and a half minutes.

101. People who think pushing a baby carriage gives them dominion over my sidewalk space.

Wow, this has just scratched the surface. There are many more wonderful things I can do without. If I was the host of Blue's Clues (which by the way is my dream job), I'd say "Hey children, now it's your turn! What are some of the things you can easily do without?"

YOU WANT CHICKS? DATE REPUBLICANS

2005-08-01T11:39:00.000-07:00

I, for one, am all for the Republicans taking over this country. As a single man, the idea of a Republican minded population around me is great. Why? Because Republicans are the chicks to pick up.

Let's review shall we, boys? Here are some great reasons for single guys to try to pick up Republican chicks:
1. By definition they suck.
2. They agree with us men about the male / female double standard.3. If Bob Dole and Ashcroft could get laid by Republican chicks, then so can you!
4. They will do anything you tell them to as long as when you order them around you tag on "...or the terrorists will win" at the end of the sentence.
5. Don't worry if you have to lie to them. They believe Fox News Network, they'll believe you.

I know what you are asking. "Mark, where can I find these tasty Republican chicks?" Well, that's easy. Republican chicks are everywhere these days and not just at Tupperware parties either! Here are some great places to find some single chicks of the GOP:

1. Battered Wives' Shelters
2. Church.
3. NRA Headquarters
4. Outside of Abortion Clinics.
5. Texas

So happy hunting boys and good luck!

SOME NEW BASEBALL RULES

2005-07-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

-If you have more than two uniforms (one for home, one for the road) then you suck. Double suck points if you have more than one "official" hat. Teams are to have one hat, with the same logo that they wear both on the road and at home.

uniform (definition) 1. always the same; not changing

"I always wear pinstripes for special occasions."

-If you have a jersey with no sleeves you suck.

"They ran out of material at the shoulder"

-If you wear your hat crooked, then you suck. Plus if your team let's you wear your hat crooked, they suck too.

"It's the shape of my head, not the hat"

-If your team is a former Canadian baseball franchise now called THE WASHINGTON NATIONALS, you suck.

The Canadians are taking over this country...

-Arizona and Florida are for Spring Training, not for regular season games.

Florida: 2 baseball teams, 0 baseball stadiums

-You cannot be the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. You're either L.A. Angels or Anaheim Angels, or even California Angels. Only one though. And you really need to pick one. Now.

We may not know WHERE we are from, but at least we know that we are just the Angels... for now anyway.

-If your team colors resemble some of Prince's wardrobe, you should change your colors and fast.

The D-backs partying like it's 1999

-If you have an artificial plastic grass-like surface named after your team, you suck... Actually you are pretty cool now that I think of it.

They gave new meaning to home turf

-A mascot should have something to do with your team. So either change your name to the Philadelphia Giant Green Alien Anteaters, or maybe get a better mascot.

The ol' don't ask / don't tell mascot policy

-You wouldn't have to have throwback jerseys if your old uniforms were ever good enough to keep wearing.

The team didn't think the unform was good enough for the players to keep wearing it... but it's good enough for you!

REALIZING THAT YOU ARE NOT A KID ANYMORE

2005-07-20T12:48:00.000-07:00

For me, it was when Nick at Nite started playing reruns of shows that I watched on the networks when I was growing up.

CONVERSATION WITH SAM GRANT

2005-07-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

ME: Yo would you think i was weird if i started volunteering at the zoo?

MR. GRANT: Maybe a little bit why are you gonna do that?

ME: To free the penguins.

(uncomfortable silence)

ME: (Of course)

(more silence)

MR. GRANT: I touch girls in their jiggly bumps.

(yet even more uncomfortable silence)

THE WEEK IN SPORTS FROM THE WEAK IN SPORTS: 7/15/2005

2005-07-15T12:57:00.000-07:00

AUTO: EARNHARDT "FINALLY" WINS A RACE THIS YEAR AT CHICAGOLAND - Someone said "finally?" Why don't you talk to the Red Sox about "finally?"

GOLF: WIE FALLS SHORT AGAIN / MISSES INVITE TO MASTER'S - She's 15, dude. And I thought my parents expected a lot out of me.

NBA: PAT RILEY MIGHT RETURN TO COACH HEAT - Sure now that Stan Van's done all the dirty work.

BALCO'S CONTE TO PLEAD GUILTY - At least someone's admitting guilt around here. By the way...

BARRY BONDS MAY MISS ENTIRE SEASON - He'll be busy watching Conte spill the beans.

GOLFER NICKLAUS PLAYS HIS LAST MAJOR - In other news, Michael Jackson has announced he has officially played his last minor.

HOUSTON SIGNS CLEMENS SON - $22 million dollar contract for him and now a contract for his son. They might as well saint this guy.

RAFFY PALMEIRO 1 HIT SHY OF 3,000 - Couldn't at least one of those hits have gone to Cyndi Lauper? She hasn't had a hit in years.

AROD HOMER BEATS SOX TEMP CLOSER SCHILLING - Way to "sock" it to em, Arod!

ABOUT ME

2005-07-15T12:49:00.000-07:00

Do you own a gun? Yes I do. Now where did I leave that thing?

What is your favorite smell? Newark, NJ

What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? Cheese

Do you own a knife? Just the ones to spread butter with

Current Loves? Arod's homer off Curt Schilling last night, no Olympics in NYC, and the new Doctor Who series.

Current Hates? Red Sox in 1st place / George Dubya / The War in Iraq / marco tavares / Itunes Music Store

Favorite Place To Be? At sea on a pirate ship

Least Favorite Place? The DMV

Favorite Colors?i dont discriminate based on color

One person From Your Past You Wish You Could be with Right Now? My grammar school guidance counselor Ms. Taziki, i would act nuts just to hang with

Where Do you want to live? Epcot Center

Favorite food? It will be the cheese melty fry pie if i ever get around to inventing it

What songs do you sing in the shower? Usually power ballads by White Lion or Warrant or Firehouse.

REASONS MY JOB SUCKS

2005-07-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

1. My paychecks bounce.

2. I once got detention for showing up to a meeting late.

3. My company has a Hall Monitor on staff.

4. The cool guy in marketing makes me give him my lunch money every day.

5. Once I said "Shit!" and my boss made me write "I will not use vulgar language at work" 100 times on a blackboard.

6. When we get our quarterly job performance review where they give us a paper, we have to get the paper signed by an adult.

7. After messing up a report, I wasn't allowed to take recess for a whole week.

8. We have pop quizzes.

9. Bathroom break? Not without a hall pass you don't.

10. My guidance counselor said due to my survey scores, I shouldn't go into a management position.

11. Oh, yeah we have guidance counselors.

12. The company fitness center is an empty room with a five foot tall paper clip and giant rubber band.

13. After a year in the company, you no longer are eligible for "nap time."

14. My boss is so politically correct, she insists we sing "The Star Spangled Banner" AND "Oh, Canada" every morning.

15. We require all interns to have taken criminal justice courses.

16. Our budget proposal for 2006 was on the New York Times Bestsellers List for hardcover fiction.

17. My boss is sketchy. He wears gloves so as not to leave fingerprints and a nose cozy so as not to leave grease stains on my cube window.

18. Prior to being hired, you have to sign a release form for bodily injuries and infectious diseases.

19. They are in talks negotiating a trade with a rival company. I might be the "worker to be named later."

20. At the annual office picnic, I am always the last guy picked in Dodgeball.

21. The mariachi band that comes to your table at lunch and annoys the hell out of you.

22. The reception people need a doctor's note if they are going to use a headset instead of a regular phone.

23. After five years with the company, they give you a cheese layaway plan.

24. If I don't put in unpaid overtime, Santa won't come... It's true, my boss said.

25. Our profit sharing plan involves New York Lotto.

TOP 5 MOVIES KEVIN BACON SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN... OR MAYBE HE WAS IN THEM, I DON'T REMEMBER

2005-07-12T11:41:00.000-07:00

This was my list:

1. JACKIE BROWN
2. FINDING NEMO
3. ARMAGEDDON
4. SUPER MARIO BROTHERS
5. MUPPET TREASURE ISLAND

My girlfriend, Tara, also had a Top Five for this list. This is it:

1. THE MUMMY
2. THE FRIGHTENERS
3. THE LOST BOYS
4. Any of the Harry Potter films
5. FULL METAL JACKET

BATMAN BEGINS, BUT CLOWNMAN CONTINUES

2005-07-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's just me, but if I were trying to "strike fear into the hearts of the criminal minded" like Batman, I would think of a better costume than a rubber body suit with pointy ears.

Why not be a clown? That would strike fear into the hearts of criminals., or anyone for that matter. Actually, just thinking about it is making the hairs on my neck stand up and I'm not even a criminal (except for that unpaid parking ticket). I'll be honest, since I thought of Clownman, even as I type this I am looking over my shoulder.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY

2005-07-11T15:26:00.000-07:00

The fundamental problem with American democracy is that anyone crazy enough to subject themselves to the election campaigning process is exactly the type of pretentious, smug, egomaniac that we don't need in office.

7/9/2005: THE WEEK IN SPORTS FROM THE WEAK IN SPORTS

2005-07-08T09:09:00.000-07:00

BASEBALL VOTED OFF 2012 OLYMPICS - A committee for the London-held Olympics excluded baseball from the 2012 summer games. Insert English "you are the weakest link" comment here.

BOSOX SCHILLING TO PITCH OUT OF BULLPEN - The main adjustment is he won't have as much time to warm up his bloody sock before coming into the game.

AREN'T "WIE" EXCITED? - Michelle Wie may be the first woman in 60 years to make the PGA Tour. This could be a big step for women in sports, showing woman could be just as equally boring as men.

RUMORS ABOUT NHL NEW CBA GREATLY EXAGGERATED - The NHL said "though we are close to reaching an agreement nothing is final yet." Then the NHLPA said "No, WE are close to reaching an agreement but nothing is final yet." And so on...

ARMSTRONG LEADS TOUR DE FRANCE - Now that's a big friggin Tour De Surprise... Ahem... Anyway, I just don't see why someone would work that hard just for a yellow jacket? My Dad had one just like in the 1970's and we donated it to the Salvation Army..

MIKE TYSON MIGHT COME OUT OF RETIREMENT - Please Mike do yourself a favor and focus on your other talents... Like eating babies, biting ears, jumping up and down on car hoods, stuff like that.

CUBS: LEE OUT WITH INJURY / PATTERSON DOWN TO AAA - Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong with the Cubs, will go wrong. To make matters worse, Dusty Baker is developing a click in his jaw.

WILL KENNY ROGERS PLAY IN THE ALL STAR GAME - Francona says it's up to Rogers to decide. I agree with Tito's assessment. I wouldn't want to be the guy to tell Rogers maybe he should sit this one out.

PEDRO DROPS OUT OF ALL STAR GAME BECAUSE HE'S TIRED - Man, the way this guy talks, you'd think the All Star game was your in-law's house.

MAVS ALAN HENDERSON ARRESTED - The free agent tried to get a gun on an airplane. If he's not careful he might not be a "free" agent much longer. Get it, free agent? Free? No huh? Ok never mind.

FOX'S "24" FOUR SEASONS OF A GIMMICK AND IT STILL HASN'T RUN OUT OF STEAM

2005-07-06T12:13:00.000-07:00

24 is a series based on a gimmick. Like it or not, it's a gimmick. Bad or good it's a gimmick. In case you haven't seen it, the series centers around an anti-terrorist agent, Jack Bauer (Keifer Sutherland) and what happens to him over the course of a 24 hour time period. Now the gimmick is that it all happens in "real time." 24 episodes for 24 hours. "Real time" baby... luckily, of course, nothing interesting happens for at least 10 minutes during each hour to allow for commercial breaks.

The show was a hit since it's beginnings, but like any gimmick, many feel the show, just having finished it's fourth year, has lost some of its luster. A gimmick, even a good one, only works for so long before any meat the premise has on its bones falls off and is revealed to be just a novelty item deep down.

So is this the fate of 24 season 4? As a fan of the show, I must say no. Though it has been a challenge for the writers of the show to not rehash the first season formula of "there's a terrorist plot with a 24 hour deadline" they have succeeded in season 2, 3, and now 4. If you're expecting another ho hum terrorist plot with a 24-hour deadline, you will be happily surprised. The creators of the show went away from formula in season 4, and despite some claims by harsh critics that the show just doesn't have that same "oomph" it did in its earlier years, it is tough to say season 4 doesn't work. Let's review some of the episodes, shall we?

24 Season 4:
Jack Bauer is about to have the longest day of his life... AGAIN!

Episode 1, 7 am - 8 am: Even though it's a weekend, Jack Bauer wakes up at 7 o'clock because that's the time he wakes up every weekday morning. His girlfriend, Lana, sleeps in. Jack tosses and turns, looking at the cracks on his ceiling. After a slight doze off where dreams he is falling, he wakes up again and this time gets up out of bed. He goes to the bathroom, then downstairs to take a snack of cold turkey from last night's dinner.

Episode 4, 10 am - 11 am: After Spongebob, "Fairly Oddparents" is on. He doesn't like the show, so he watches ESPN, but it's just a replay of the same SportsCenter he saw before bed last night. He wonders how long Lana will sleep for and then starts watching weird Sat morning talk shows.

Episode 8, 2 pm - 3 pm: Although Lana took over an hour to shower, Lana rushes Jack to get ready for the trip to her parents' house. Jack wants to wear the pink polka dot shirt, but Lana makes him wear solid Navy Blue, because she thinks her family will think he's weird with pink polka dots.

Episode 14, 8 pm -9 pm: Jack sits on the couch and falls asleep while Lana and her mother clean the table and talk about local gossip. In a shocking development, Cousin Mandy was pregnant before the wedding! Meanwhile, Lana's annoying nephew keeps waking up Jack to play GI Joe with him.

Episode 18-21, 2 am- 3 am: Jack wakes up on the couch (he fell asleep while watching Sports Center). He decides to get up and brush his teeth and slip into his PJ's.

Episode 23, 5 am-6 am: The sound of a car alarm wakes up Jack for a few minutes.

I might have already given away too much about the season. But I hope I've convinced you that this "real time" concept has not been stretched thin. And when the new season is out on DVD, I urge you to do yourself a favor and buy a copy.

STAR WARS

2005-07-05T17:49:00.000-07:00

In Star Wars, if Han Solo and Jabba the Hutt can understand what each other are saying then why don't they just speak the same friggin language?

PUTTING C-SPAN INTO PERSPECTIVE

2005-07-05T17:48:00.000-07:00

The other night I was watching C-SPAN. It was so boring, the television fell asleep.

"BLOCKBUSTER'S NO LATE FEE POLICY IS MORALLY DEPRAVED"

2005-07-05T07:40:00.000-07:00

(an editorial I wrote 2/23/2005 and submitted to Boston Globe, for some reason they never printed it... go figure)

"Because two-day rentals are a sacred institution... it should not be redefined. For the good of families, children, and society, I support a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of the two-day rental." -George W. Bush, 2005 State of the Union Address*

* - OK, so Bush didn't say this, or not exactly anyway. He was actually talking about marriage, not two-day rentals. But the point is the same. Blockbuster's two-day rental process is, like marriage, a sacred institution after all. So when Blockbuster ended late fees effective January 1, the sanctity of video rentals was attacked with one fell, atheistic swoop.

Ever since Blockbuster first began in Dallas, Texas all those years ago (1985), we, the morally prompt of the nation, have been living happily and safely under the traditional values of video (and later DVD) rentals. Now, our traditions and our culture have been thrown away by Blockbuster, who suddenly did a moral 180, telling us that the two-day rental morals no longer apply.

By telling us it is now acceptable to return rentals after two days, Blockbuster is actually encouraging us to return them after what tradition and our forefathers (or forefather as it were) tell us is the due date. A rental is for two days only, this has been uncontested for years. This is the way it was, the way it is, and the way it should be. You can be sure if there were rentals 2000 years ago, Jesus would have said: Two Days and no longer. By getting rid of this two day process, Blockbuster has compromised the moral values of this nation. What’s next: legalizing crack cocaine? Or drunk-driving? No tickets for double-parking on a busy city street? Perhaps next, Blockbuster will tell the nation to have extra marital affairs, or better yet we might as well just all start worshipping Satan?

Christine Nicodemus, mother and a parishioner at St. Eugene’s Church in Yonkers, NY, is currently organizing a boycott of Blockbuster Video (partially on my insistence). “What is most harmful about this,” Christine, 37, says, “is that it tells our kids that it is OK to not return rentals in two-days. Late fees apply because the video is late. By not having a penalty, Blockbuster is essentially saying it’s all right to return a video late and as a woman of God, I refuse to raise my children in an environment that encourages no structure to a rental system.”

Nicodemus brings to light the point which is the center of the pro-two-day rental ideology: What are late fees if not a penalty for doing something wrongly, doing something “bad”? We have penalties and punishment against things that are not morally just, just like having a rental for over two days (or if it’s a new release sometimes even only one day). By not having late fees, isn’t Blockbuster telling us, and worse yet, our poor impressionable children, that it is ok to return a rental “whenever?” This of course, is absurd; and goes against the very definition of what a rental is. Have all the years of tradition, all 20 of them, meant nothing?
Is the US government working to protect the sanctity of the two-day rental, in much the same way it would protect all of our other sacred traditions as people of God?

Though the government has been tight-lipped with regard to the lack of legislation to protect the two-day rental, there have been a few anti-two day rental personalities speaking up on the subject. Most notably, there’s been Khalid Washington, a 27-year old White Plains resident, who both supports Blockbuster’s latest moves and encourages the rest of the country to not boycott the company because of it’s disposal of the late fees. Recently, Washington confronted the St. Eugene’s (read: me and Christine) Anti-Blockbuster movement at a protest at the Blockbuster location in Rye, New York and has since declared himself the voice against two day rentals.

“Late fees,” Washington says, “are only a tradition in this country because that’s the way it’s been. But, the times have changed and the late fee process needs to change with the times. Internet rental companies like Netflix have since their beginnings had a rental process that allows the customers to have a rental for as long as they want. All the customers pay is a monthly fee. It’s not that Netflix is wrong and Blockbuster used to be right, it’s just that they are different processes, that’s all. The two day rental process has nothing but time to back up its legitimacy.” This line of logic is clearly flawed from a moral standpoint. Is Washington inferring that because other companies have shown degenerate rental ethics that now Blockbuster video should? Should the US legalize drugs because they are legal in Amsterdam?

There really is no valid argument against the two-day rental, moral logic shows. Marriage, by definition, is between a man and woman forever; rental, by definition, is between a renter and the rentee for two days.

"ENGLISH HAIKUS": A Haiku

2005-07-01T13:34:00.000-07:00

Anyone who thinks
Haikus make sense in English
Should faiku themselves